We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
– Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us crying about you leaving it down.
– Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
– Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
– Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
– Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
– Crying is blackmail.
– Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
– We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
– Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
– Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
– Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
– A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
– Check your oil! Please.
– Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
– If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
– If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
– If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
– Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
– You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
– Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
– Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
– The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
– ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
– If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
– We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
– If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
– If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
– When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
– Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
– You have enough clothes.
– You have too many shoes.
– Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
– It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
– No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
– BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
– I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
– Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Rules from the Males Side
October 20th, 2011Got spare pcs or linux boxes ? build your own supercomputer
September 21st, 2011Truly KickAss Roommate ad on Craigslist :)
August 19th, 2011$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money.
File name Shuffler
July 13th, 2011http://wareseeker.com/Graphic-Apps/pictures-name-shuffle-1.zip/3b3f338032