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Elephant Stew Recipe

Tuesday, June 20th, 2017

1 medium sized elephant (African are best)
500 bushels potatoes
200 bushels carrots
100 kilogram tomatoes
2 wheelbarrows onions (heaped)
100 kilogram salt
100 kilogram pepper
10 liter vinegar
1500 gallons brown gravy
3000 sprigs parsley

Cut elephant into bite sized pieces(this will take about 2 months).
Cut vegetables into cubes (another 2 months).
Place meat in pan, cover with the brown gravy and simmer for 4 weeks.
Add the salt and pepper to taste.
When the meat is tender, add the vegetables. Simmer for another 4 weeks.
Garnish with parsley.

This will serve 3800 people, but if more are expected, add 2 small rabbits. This is optional, as many people dislike finding hares in their stew.

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Whats Diwali, a quick history :)

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of “Diwali” to his younger brother, this is how he went about it…

“So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.
But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something… Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along… you know… so that they could all chill out together.

But dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit… really man… they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows… so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed… And you don’t piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like… all the gods were with him… So anyways,> you don’t mess with gods.

So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys…Dude, don’t ask me how they trained the damn monkeys… just go along with me, ok… So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta’s ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time’s up in the forest… and anyways… it gets kinda boring, you know… no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home… and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home… they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice… and they didn’t have any bars or clubs in those days… so they couldn’t take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit… and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also… so it was pretty cooool… you know with all those fireworks…

Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks… and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding…, that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks… you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.”

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Truly KickAss Roommate ad on Craigslist :)

Friday, August 19th, 2011

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money.

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